So, being in the position I’m in, I’m frequently privvy to information I’m really not supposed to be in possession of. Most of it, I keep to myself. However, I had a very JOHN CARPENTER’S PRINCE OF DARKNESS moment today…and received a holographic message from the year 2019, sent back in time through my old Friendster account, which I didn’t even know could still be activated.
I post it here without further comment. Make of it what you will:
From Ain’t It Cool News:
CODY JARRET SAYS JJ ABRAMS’ GODFATHER MIGHT JUST BE BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL!!!!
Cody Jarret here! I just got back from the hottest ticket in town, the top secret sneak preview of JJ Abrams’ new re-boot, Godfather, and man, did it ever blow my expectations out of the water!
When I found out that he wasn’t a fan of the original, and preferred Scarface, I was worried, but I have to say, JJ’s done it again, folks. If all you want is a one sentence review, it’s this - Godfather is awesome!
For those of you want more, here it comes, but be warned, SPOILERS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!!
We open on Michael (Zack Effron) in the army, blowing away some Nazis and shit. He’s a total badass, but kind of inexperienced, and rough around the edges. He comes home, and his family’s all happy to see him, cuz he’s a war hero now.
His dad and brother, Don Vito (Gerard Butler) and Fredo (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) go to the Italian market, and Sollazo (Benecio Del Toro) and his men roll up in, like, fifty awesome black cars, machine guns blazing.
Vito whips out his gun and fires back, taking, like, ten of those pricks out, but Fredo’s a fucking coward, and hides, and Vito goes down in a hail of bullets.
So Sonny (Channing Tatum), who’s acting head of the family now, rounds up some guys, and they go after Sollazzo hard, in downtown Manhattan. It’s a fucking firefight from hell, and dudes are getting wasted all over the place.
But Sollazzo gets away. Michael and Sonny are on a boat off Long Island, talking about what happened, and Michael tells Sonny he went off without thinking. He should have strategized instead of just attacking. Pop would disapprove.
Sonny gets all pissed and shit, and throws Michael off the boat, into the water, where he fights a shark with his bare hands, then swims onto a small island in the middle of nowhere, and who’s there but James motherfucking Caan! He’s like, Dude! I totally know where you’re coming from, and you need to take charge of the situation, because Sonny’s a hot head!
So he teaches Michael some cool fighting styles for a while, and Michael gets more mature and shit, and gets it on with this hot babe (Brooklyn Decker) who gets blown up, so now he’s ready to go back home.
Meanwhile, Sonny finds out Sollazzo is in Manhattan, and goes after him. He chases Sollazzo to the top of the Empire State Building, and when there’s nowhere left to run, Sollazzo turns, and they fight, and Sonny totally kicks Sollazzo’s ass. He picks him up, about to throw him off, when BAM! Luca motherfucking Brasi pops up behing Sonny and fucking garottes him, then shoots him, like, a hundred times with a machine gun. (John Cena is amazing at Brasi. Almost unrecognizable under all that makeup). Sollazzo planned the whole thing! He lured Sonny up there to die!
Michael comes back from the island, and he’s cold as ice. He says, we need a truce, and everyone’s like, are you nuts? But he’s got a plan. He’s going to dinner with Sollazzo at this restaurant, and he’s gonna hide a gun in the bathroom and whack the son of a bitch.
So Michael goes off to the dinner, and meets Sollazzo and his dudes. And they talk in Italian, and then Michael goes into the bathroom. And he’s trying to find the gun, but just when he gets his hand on it, dude! He falls into the toilet! And he’s like, sucked down into the sewers! Woosh! Zoom! Michael’s taken on this awesome roller coaster ride through the sewers of Brooklyn.
Good thing Johnny Fontane’s there, though, cuz he starts racing down the street and pops open a manhole, to rescue Michael, but he keeps missing him. Opens one, but Michael just whipped past.
But finally, he opens the right one, and Michael flies out of it, and they go back to the restaurant. (Johnny’s played by Justin Timberlake, in an awesome cameo. The choices this guy is making lately are just perfect!)
Michael climbs back into the bathroom, and gets his gun, goes back into the restaurant.
Sollazzo’s waiting there for him, and he’s all like, “Dude! You’re all wet and shit. What happened?”
And Michael whips out his gun and BLAM BLAM BLAM shoots Sollazzo in the fucking throat, and ten other guys who work for him in this huge gun battle, then walks out.
And then he goes home, where Kay (Olivia Wilde) is waiting in her bra and panties, looking hot as shit. And then Michael figures out that it was Clemenza (Jonah Hill) the whole time, and Fredo helped or something, and Michael and his boys just clean fucking house in this totally awesome gunfight.
I don’t want to give everything away, but man, it’s great to see Abrams continuing his winning streak. I know a lot of die hard fans of the original are pissed off, and might not even see this, but here’s the thing - JJ’s managed to make a totally cool, totally new movie that’s totally true to the spirit of the original.
Cody Jarret out!